Vintage Bailey: 10/27

"There are so many things that I physically cannot do. I can't ditch that sick, I'm going to get mugged, feeling. I can't seem to go to sleep before midnight, and I can't get him out of my brain. There are so many things I can do though, like face difficulties with a smile, or make decent money as a hostess. And it's because of you that I'm not afraid anymore. You brought me back from the dead. You saved me. Even though I can never honestly say I loved you, I can say I still care. I may have selfishly kept you at arms length because I thought I deserved better, but the truth is that you do. I never saw you. I just saw an opportunity to mend the broken pieces and I jumped on board. I may have screwed myself up so much more in the process though. When there's a void, there's an obvious need to fill it, and when it hit my system that he would never be back, I sort of shut down. I lost friends, I stopped trusting people and I stopped trusting myself. Even when I came to terms with him leaving, I still let you be my consolation prize. Like, love the one you're with, if you can't be with the one you love. Except I could never use the word without cringing, because I believe that when you find the person you're supposed to spend forever with, it'll come easy. I'm so sorry I was selfish and led you on. I'm so sorry for keeping you just in reach, and letting you slip through my fingers for no reason. But most of all, I'm sorry for having the guts to admit I was wrong to someone too self-absorbed to notice."