My life is CONSUMED by music. I noticed today as I walked to class without my headphones that I was immensely unhappy not being able to listen to my iPod. There's always that song that speaks to me in the moment, and coming as someone who believes to have struggled with depression, music is a beautiful thing. I sit and I listen instead of thinking, I get out of my head. When I drive, I listen and it helps me stay calm and see the forest and the trees. When something bad happens, I listen and it makes me more aware of how beautiful life is and how much we all have to live for. And when I lose someone who means the world to me, I listen to our song, and it reminds me of a time when they loved me and when life was simple.
Music is an escape of sorts for many people, myself included. I never realized how much time I spend with an earbud in my ear or my speakers thumping until I had such eerie quiet this past year. When they say bad things come in threes, I really think that's true. Although it seems like when bad things start to happen, they start pouring on you and it's a water-boarding feeling and makes you think nothing in the world is okay, and everyone is out to get you.
For me, when I hear music, it's like I've seen new light, breathed new air and recreated myself. Music for me is the ultimate prize. No matter who you are, no matter what walk of life you're from, you can just sit back and enjoy the feelings of love or hate, success or retribution. Music can transform your condition and take you above and beyond your world. I encourage everyone to listen to more music, you may just learn something about yourself.

Tumblr

I've begun to gravitate toward my Tumblr account since it's a little more high tech than Blogspot, but I guess it's time for me to trade off a bit, and do some nitty gritty blogging. (:
Let's set the scene; It's Sunday, August 8th. I'm sitting on our L shaped couch, tapping away on the keys to my Macbook, his name is Chuck, and texting on my iPhone, her name is Fiona 2.0. Not every day is this eventful, but I'm trying to contain my excitement, as I'm sure you can tell, I've gotten little packing done, and I have approximately three more full days of living in NYC before I have to jump on an 8am flight to Florida and never look back.
I keep getting a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach, which I'm sure is normal considering the circumstances... The other day, my mother reminded me of last summer when I was headed from Texas to NYC and how I wasn't even sure I could make it through Christmas break because I would "miss everyone too much", so much drama. Now, I'm looking from the other end of the spectrum. I've met so many great people, and am really getting down because of my decision to leave.
Apparently, a Sagittarius doesn't like to be tied down, they're always looking for a new adventure, and like to move from place to place at "a moments notice" to keep things fresh. That sounds like a bit of an exaggeration of my character, but I'd definitely say it's moderately applicable. I'm getting sad because I'm leaving my friends, but mostly because I'm leaving my sister. I never thought I'd genuinely be able to say that I would do anything for Annie; but after a year of being her roommate and friend, I can.
I've never been a very good sibling because of the age difference between my siblings and me, but this year, I've been forced to grow up and put on a serene front even if I'm kicking and screaming from the inside to get out. In all honesty, moving here scared the shit out of me. Not because I didn't know anyone, because that was obviously a hurdle, but because I'm always afraid people will go on with their lives and forget about me: Now I know it's normal to feel that, but also naive.
People will always move on with their lives, and if they want you to be a part of their lives, they'll make you part of it; But if I've learned one lesson that will stick with me, I'd say it's about growth. There's a huge difference between growing up and growing old. I can keep my Peter Pan disposition and you can keep your beer pong games, unwanted pregnancies and year-old drama; I'm better off without everyone who brought me down, and it took me a year of finding myself to figure that out.

The Road..

Some people live their lives making plans, always mapping out their next step, worried about the twists and turns of the road: Afraid to fail, these people live safely, never spontaneous, always cautious. I've never been cautious, I see a barricade and I plow right into it. I see a hurdle and I leap over it, never looking back. I've never thought of myself as someone who regretted decisions, because I've never made plans.
In May of 2009, I made the decision to move to New York City, because I had been terrible, and burned all bridges with friends back home. I made some new friends over the summer, and had started to build a really great circuit of people and activities that helped me forget how badly I had been in the wrong. When the opportunity to get away completely came, I never thought twice. I said to myself "Okay, time to go".
I don't believe in regretting anything, because even though Chris and Josh are both no longer with us, I've met so many great people along this journey this past year. I've met people that I can't imagine my life without. I can't imagine my life ten, twenty or thirty years from now without their words in my ear or their support holding me from collapsing.
Without the new people in my life, I wouldn't be as alive as I am now. I'm alive with pride, some prejudice and a lot of experience.
Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant.. And sadly, that's just the thing they do. If I hadn't left, there was always the chance I would fall into that pattern, no matter how different I was from the pack. If I hadn't been here, I'd be there. If I hadn't been doing this, I'd be doing that. If I wasn't feeling this alive.. How would I be feeling?

TGIF (almost)

It's the weekend, which means I work a lot. Doing a little dog sitting with friends this coming week, so that's good; something to get my mind off of what comes next. It's so weird when you realize how things go on without you. It'd be nice to think that once you leave a place, people spend the rest of their lives thinking 'How would my life be different if Bailey was still here'... Or things of the sort. It's kind of funny, actually, because that's never how it goes. People leave, their friends and families move on... That's just how life works. It's not fair, but is life ever really fair? I guess if I could say one thing, it would be that I'm so very sorry. It's only fair to move on, but it just doesn't feel right; I don't know if I'll ever be the same.

It's a new day..

I haven't been blogging as much as I'd like to say I should be; but I've been a little busy. Doing things I should be doing to further my life, but some things that aren't critical thrown about in the mix. Sort of like three steps forward, two steps back. These days seem to be flying by so quickly, it's so strange. It's already almost June of 2010; Almost a year of me living in New York, almost a year of Josh being gone. A year of firsts and lasts, but mostly firsts.
Nobody likes to grow up, especially not me, but being young forever is selfish and unrealistic. People die and leave their families devastated, I'd never wish that on anyone I dislike, because I know how thoroughly it tortures: I know how it tortures friends, acquaintances, and most of all families. I like to write down what I'm feeling, because I've been to the point where I can't explain why I feel how I do, but I don't really like to explain myself at all, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
I looked at pictures from Christopher's "birthday" today, and it really hit me: Death is so permanent. Whether people realize it or not, you put your life at risk every day. From walking home alone in the dark listening to your iPod, to driving drunk, risks are all around us and they're so hard to resist. Everybody makes mistakes, but when people don't learn from those mistakes, history is doomed to repeat itself.
I'm only twenty. My life is only getting started. I'm not ready to go yet, I've got so much life left to live, I just hope that the ones I love think that about themselves as well, that they understand what it's like to lose someone they love, and how to move on. Death is not the end; it's a new beginning, and while that person is gone, they're not lost. Love the life you live: Live the life you love.

Stubborn

I've always been a little bull-headed; I am never wanting to believe anything I said or did is wrong. But there comes a time in your life when you have to realize that no matter what happens, people are going to believe what they want. Whether it's truth or not, every single person has their own takes on a situation. And while that is not ideal, it's life. Losing friends or family members to death is easier than losing them to life. If you have someone pass away, that means that you no longer have the opportunity to connect with them; If you lose them to life, you have completely lost the right to be a part of their lives. I'd personally rather not have either happen to me, but I've had both. And while both are wholly unpleasant, I choose life. Because I'd rather lose someone that didn't care about me enough to themselves than to lose anyone that I even briefly cared about entirely.

Margaritas and Midgets...

So we hired a midget to hand out shots on Cinco de Mayo.. Just a little background knowledge on how AWKWARD AND STRANGE the place I work is. Today was just too difficult. I worked from 11am-12pm with a 25 minute break... The phrase 'HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?' has never been so true. Time for New Moon and then sleep. Jasper always calms my nerves... Ha.