TGIF (almost)

It's the weekend, which means I work a lot. Doing a little dog sitting with friends this coming week, so that's good; something to get my mind off of what comes next. It's so weird when you realize how things go on without you. It'd be nice to think that once you leave a place, people spend the rest of their lives thinking 'How would my life be different if Bailey was still here'... Or things of the sort. It's kind of funny, actually, because that's never how it goes. People leave, their friends and families move on... That's just how life works. It's not fair, but is life ever really fair? I guess if I could say one thing, it would be that I'm so very sorry. It's only fair to move on, but it just doesn't feel right; I don't know if I'll ever be the same.

It's a new day..

I haven't been blogging as much as I'd like to say I should be; but I've been a little busy. Doing things I should be doing to further my life, but some things that aren't critical thrown about in the mix. Sort of like three steps forward, two steps back. These days seem to be flying by so quickly, it's so strange. It's already almost June of 2010; Almost a year of me living in New York, almost a year of Josh being gone. A year of firsts and lasts, but mostly firsts.
Nobody likes to grow up, especially not me, but being young forever is selfish and unrealistic. People die and leave their families devastated, I'd never wish that on anyone I dislike, because I know how thoroughly it tortures: I know how it tortures friends, acquaintances, and most of all families. I like to write down what I'm feeling, because I've been to the point where I can't explain why I feel how I do, but I don't really like to explain myself at all, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
I looked at pictures from Christopher's "birthday" today, and it really hit me: Death is so permanent. Whether people realize it or not, you put your life at risk every day. From walking home alone in the dark listening to your iPod, to driving drunk, risks are all around us and they're so hard to resist. Everybody makes mistakes, but when people don't learn from those mistakes, history is doomed to repeat itself.
I'm only twenty. My life is only getting started. I'm not ready to go yet, I've got so much life left to live, I just hope that the ones I love think that about themselves as well, that they understand what it's like to lose someone they love, and how to move on. Death is not the end; it's a new beginning, and while that person is gone, they're not lost. Love the life you live: Live the life you love.

Stubborn

I've always been a little bull-headed; I am never wanting to believe anything I said or did is wrong. But there comes a time in your life when you have to realize that no matter what happens, people are going to believe what they want. Whether it's truth or not, every single person has their own takes on a situation. And while that is not ideal, it's life. Losing friends or family members to death is easier than losing them to life. If you have someone pass away, that means that you no longer have the opportunity to connect with them; If you lose them to life, you have completely lost the right to be a part of their lives. I'd personally rather not have either happen to me, but I've had both. And while both are wholly unpleasant, I choose life. Because I'd rather lose someone that didn't care about me enough to themselves than to lose anyone that I even briefly cared about entirely.

Margaritas and Midgets...

So we hired a midget to hand out shots on Cinco de Mayo.. Just a little background knowledge on how AWKWARD AND STRANGE the place I work is. Today was just too difficult. I worked from 11am-12pm with a 25 minute break... The phrase 'HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?' has never been so true. Time for New Moon and then sleep. Jasper always calms my nerves... Ha.

I need some peace and quiet...

My thoughts exactly; Let's go back. Now.

Feelings

Some people do things to benefit themselves, others do it out of the kindness of their hearts. Which person am I? I think in most situations, the latter, but in some, the former. Recently, I had the opportunity to help out a friend, and further her career. Did I do it? Yes. Did I enjoy the feeling of her thanking me and being appreciative and telling me how much she "owed me"? No. It kind of gave me a sick, annoyed, bitter feeling. Like as she tells the story of how things unfolded for her, all I can think is how much I don't really care.
Okay, that sounds bad. I do care, or I wouldn't have recommended her. But I got the feeling of being replaced, and though I'm glad I had the chance to be selfless and help her, I don't like the taste it left in my mouth. I feel remorse, almost. It's disgusting. I always think that I wish I was more like Josh, helping people and not thinking of the ways it would change my life; but then I think that he's gone, and it's my life to live. And then I realize, if he was really gone... Would I have done the right thing in this situation? No. So I feel very blessed to have helped her; I wish her nothing but the best.

Sins of my Youth

There's a new song I'm obsessed. Or a band that I'm obsessed with. Neon Trees. They sing a song called Sins of my Youth, and it's really great.
Call me crazy, I was born to make a mess.
Would you love me still if I were to confess:
That I had a little too much fun...
Back when I was young.
Everyone has bad habits, most of them carry out into adulthood. I know that my biggest bad habit is containing myself. There are literally times when my family is thinking "Bailey, are you going to get excited about this?". Honestly, I've never really been an extrovert. I like to keep my feelings to myself, because they're the one part of my life I can control. Shit happens every day. People lie, people die, and the only thing you can keep sacred and safe is how you feel.
I know when I grow up I'll be better, because I'm growing up now, I can feel myself getting better every day. But I know that it's very hard to trust anyone but yourself with how you feel. It's never easy, because it's not meant to be. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Advice for my peers:

Your life is not supposed to go in reverse. There's a reason why the saying goes "First comes love, then comes marriage, and THEN COMES a baby in a baby carriage". It may just be a stupid saying we used in elementary school, but it exists for a reason, that's how relationships grow. You can't care for a baby until you have someone that loves you and can support you in your quest to take care of YOURSELF. Grow up a little, move out of Wimberley and learn something new. You might surprise yourself.

Something like that:

It's been almost a year since I had the worst thing in my life happen to me. I'll give you a quick run-down. It's early May, around finals time, and the setting is at a raging kegger on Sagewood. Not only am I there with my pseudo-best friends Emma, Stephanie and Nicole, but a variety of other people I haven't spoken to in a year. Nicole freaks out when she thinks I'm making a move on Newman, as preposterous as that is, since Newman is twelve feet tall and a complete oaf. Being as rowdy as boys are, things are broken, and of course, being the outcast of the moment, the blame is placed on me. Days later, I get phone calls from a blocked number saying I'm being 'served' (of course you can't be served over the phone), and that my DNA was found on the car (did they swab my mouth in my sleep?), and that I was required to pay the $1,000 to fix the broken property (they were surprised to find I'd done my homework and the damage was only $350). To say I cut off communication with those girls is an understatement. I haven't spoken to them since. That experience made me not trust people. It made me hate people.
I'm not sure why I can't stop thinking about you; The first person after the above experience that let me trust anyone. (I'm still uncomfortable talking about it), so I don't know why I keep thinking 'Oh, I wish I could go back' or 'Maybe it'll be better one day'. It's so funny to me that I'm still optimistic about a situation that will never get better, can never be better. We talk, and it's nice. I can still hear your voice and laugh in my head, it makes me happy to think that I'll have that memory forever. But it makes me sick to think that's all I have. Granted, we're young, we're great friends, but beyond that: You're too emotional for me. You told me your thoughts 24/7, and while it was nice to hear the things you liked about me, I was a little embarrassed.
Then our friend died, my brother got sick and you asked me if I'd considered anger management. The person I confided in so much asked me if I'd ever consider "getting help regarding my anger issues". Of course I have. I've also considered slamming a frying pan over someone's head, but I'd never do it. It's so hard to go back to the beginning of a relationship that is doomed to fail. It's almost impossible to take back thoughts, but it's eternally impossible to take back words and actions. Though I'd like to go back, I know I can't. Even though I know I'll never have the opportunity to mean more to you than a few months out of your life, I can't say the same about you.
I'll always cherish your memory, because you taught me the best lesson of all. "Time can make a feeling fade, like an old photograph, but the memory of a first love never fades away." It took you three months to say it, and it scared the living shit out of me, I think I knew the feeling was there all along, but I never wanted to take it there, because you can't take those three words back. I know that it's still fresh for me, because it takes time to move on, but it makes me feel disappointed that I wasted all of that trust on you. Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.