Feelings

Some people do things to benefit themselves, others do it out of the kindness of their hearts. Which person am I? I think in most situations, the latter, but in some, the former. Recently, I had the opportunity to help out a friend, and further her career. Did I do it? Yes. Did I enjoy the feeling of her thanking me and being appreciative and telling me how much she "owed me"? No. It kind of gave me a sick, annoyed, bitter feeling. Like as she tells the story of how things unfolded for her, all I can think is how much I don't really care.
Okay, that sounds bad. I do care, or I wouldn't have recommended her. But I got the feeling of being replaced, and though I'm glad I had the chance to be selfless and help her, I don't like the taste it left in my mouth. I feel remorse, almost. It's disgusting. I always think that I wish I was more like Josh, helping people and not thinking of the ways it would change my life; but then I think that he's gone, and it's my life to live. And then I realize, if he was really gone... Would I have done the right thing in this situation? No. So I feel very blessed to have helped her; I wish her nothing but the best.

Sins of my Youth

There's a new song I'm obsessed. Or a band that I'm obsessed with. Neon Trees. They sing a song called Sins of my Youth, and it's really great.
Call me crazy, I was born to make a mess.
Would you love me still if I were to confess:
That I had a little too much fun...
Back when I was young.
Everyone has bad habits, most of them carry out into adulthood. I know that my biggest bad habit is containing myself. There are literally times when my family is thinking "Bailey, are you going to get excited about this?". Honestly, I've never really been an extrovert. I like to keep my feelings to myself, because they're the one part of my life I can control. Shit happens every day. People lie, people die, and the only thing you can keep sacred and safe is how you feel.
I know when I grow up I'll be better, because I'm growing up now, I can feel myself getting better every day. But I know that it's very hard to trust anyone but yourself with how you feel. It's never easy, because it's not meant to be. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Advice for my peers:

Your life is not supposed to go in reverse. There's a reason why the saying goes "First comes love, then comes marriage, and THEN COMES a baby in a baby carriage". It may just be a stupid saying we used in elementary school, but it exists for a reason, that's how relationships grow. You can't care for a baby until you have someone that loves you and can support you in your quest to take care of YOURSELF. Grow up a little, move out of Wimberley and learn something new. You might surprise yourself.

Something like that:

It's been almost a year since I had the worst thing in my life happen to me. I'll give you a quick run-down. It's early May, around finals time, and the setting is at a raging kegger on Sagewood. Not only am I there with my pseudo-best friends Emma, Stephanie and Nicole, but a variety of other people I haven't spoken to in a year. Nicole freaks out when she thinks I'm making a move on Newman, as preposterous as that is, since Newman is twelve feet tall and a complete oaf. Being as rowdy as boys are, things are broken, and of course, being the outcast of the moment, the blame is placed on me. Days later, I get phone calls from a blocked number saying I'm being 'served' (of course you can't be served over the phone), and that my DNA was found on the car (did they swab my mouth in my sleep?), and that I was required to pay the $1,000 to fix the broken property (they were surprised to find I'd done my homework and the damage was only $350). To say I cut off communication with those girls is an understatement. I haven't spoken to them since. That experience made me not trust people. It made me hate people.
I'm not sure why I can't stop thinking about you; The first person after the above experience that let me trust anyone. (I'm still uncomfortable talking about it), so I don't know why I keep thinking 'Oh, I wish I could go back' or 'Maybe it'll be better one day'. It's so funny to me that I'm still optimistic about a situation that will never get better, can never be better. We talk, and it's nice. I can still hear your voice and laugh in my head, it makes me happy to think that I'll have that memory forever. But it makes me sick to think that's all I have. Granted, we're young, we're great friends, but beyond that: You're too emotional for me. You told me your thoughts 24/7, and while it was nice to hear the things you liked about me, I was a little embarrassed.
Then our friend died, my brother got sick and you asked me if I'd considered anger management. The person I confided in so much asked me if I'd ever consider "getting help regarding my anger issues". Of course I have. I've also considered slamming a frying pan over someone's head, but I'd never do it. It's so hard to go back to the beginning of a relationship that is doomed to fail. It's almost impossible to take back thoughts, but it's eternally impossible to take back words and actions. Though I'd like to go back, I know I can't. Even though I know I'll never have the opportunity to mean more to you than a few months out of your life, I can't say the same about you.
I'll always cherish your memory, because you taught me the best lesson of all. "Time can make a feeling fade, like an old photograph, but the memory of a first love never fades away." It took you three months to say it, and it scared the living shit out of me, I think I knew the feeling was there all along, but I never wanted to take it there, because you can't take those three words back. I know that it's still fresh for me, because it takes time to move on, but it makes me feel disappointed that I wasted all of that trust on you. Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

Vintage Bailey: 11/5

"You know, it is scary. To be nineteen and waking up at 9am to head to my 11-11 job of 7am to head to my 9-5 paced job, but I think that's the point. To struggle from day to day. To doubt your motives and intentions in the location of today. And to be so fed up with everyone and everything that you just want out. That more than all the riches of the royal crown or the experiences the world has to offer, that you just want life to ease up for ten minutes so you can catch your breath. But you really can't always get what you want. People leave and the everyday fight to the finish line knocks you down, family doubts your maturity and shakes off words of wisdom as temporary insanity. My family is NO different. I tell them I want to live off campus with friends, they say "that's really not a good idea". I say "I think I'm ready to start school" and they stifle a laugh. But when the opportunity to move to New York City manifests itself in mothers' brain, it becomes Campbell Rule. Sure, I was all gung-ho about the move, but as soon as the new car smell faded, I was ready for a new skyline, one a little closer to home. No, I pay your rent and for your expenses, you'll stay until I think you're ready to go. Campbell Rule. You're only 19, how could you possibly know what you want to do when you grow up? Trust, me, you'll regret leaving this place 10 years from now. Campbell Rule. What happened to me living my own life? What happened to the idea of letting your kids fly the coop and landing flat on their backs, all in the name of experience? Why is it that when I want something, I'm always 'too young' to make the decision alone? The last time I checked, if I'm allowed to move 1000+ miles from home, in with my 25-year-old sister, work in a restaurant 5 days a week, drink/smoke/abuse every available outlet I can and still hang onto my dignity and independence, whey am I too young to make a decision about the furthering of my education? How does all of that 'experience' and 'freedom' carry any merit if I'm still seen as a child? Maybe it's some suppressed childhood dream and it's being vicariously fulfilled through me, or a lesson I've yet to learn... But in order to grow and mature, one has to be in control of their own destiny and future. If I wanted to live someone else's life, I wouldn't do it the way I'm being led to live mine. I'd start all over, and not let you bully me into thinking I can't handle myself. Maybe you're afraid of losing me to the inner battle that people my age fight. Maybe you're just selfish and you want me to do everything your way... But which ever option it is, I resent it."

Vintage Bailey: 10/27

"There are so many things that I physically cannot do. I can't ditch that sick, I'm going to get mugged, feeling. I can't seem to go to sleep before midnight, and I can't get him out of my brain. There are so many things I can do though, like face difficulties with a smile, or make decent money as a hostess. And it's because of you that I'm not afraid anymore. You brought me back from the dead. You saved me. Even though I can never honestly say I loved you, I can say I still care. I may have selfishly kept you at arms length because I thought I deserved better, but the truth is that you do. I never saw you. I just saw an opportunity to mend the broken pieces and I jumped on board. I may have screwed myself up so much more in the process though. When there's a void, there's an obvious need to fill it, and when it hit my system that he would never be back, I sort of shut down. I lost friends, I stopped trusting people and I stopped trusting myself. Even when I came to terms with him leaving, I still let you be my consolation prize. Like, love the one you're with, if you can't be with the one you love. Except I could never use the word without cringing, because I believe that when you find the person you're supposed to spend forever with, it'll come easy. I'm so sorry I was selfish and led you on. I'm so sorry for keeping you just in reach, and letting you slip through my fingers for no reason. But most of all, I'm sorry for having the guts to admit I was wrong to someone too self-absorbed to notice."

I get it

..it's valentines day (or it was). I get it, you're single. But grow up a little bit. Not everybody is as miserable in their own skin as you are. Not everybody is too afraid to be alone. Maybe, if you tried a little harder, you could see that. Maybe, if you stepped outside your comfort zone for fifteen minutes, you could understand.