My life is CONSUMED by music. I noticed today as I walked to class without my headphones that I was immensely unhappy not being able to listen to my iPod. There's always that song that speaks to me in the moment, and coming as someone who believes to have struggled with depression, music is a beautiful thing. I sit and I listen instead of thinking, I get out of my head. When I drive, I listen and it helps me stay calm and see the forest and the trees. When something bad happens, I listen and it makes me more aware of how beautiful life is and how much we all have to live for. And when I lose someone who means the world to me, I listen to our song, and it reminds me of a time when they loved me and when life was simple.
Music is an escape of sorts for many people, myself included. I never realized how much time I spend with an earbud in my ear or my speakers thumping until I had such eerie quiet this past year. When they say bad things come in threes, I really think that's true. Although it seems like when bad things start to happen, they start pouring on you and it's a water-boarding feeling and makes you think nothing in the world is okay, and everyone is out to get you.
For me, when I hear music, it's like I've seen new light, breathed new air and recreated myself. Music for me is the ultimate prize. No matter who you are, no matter what walk of life you're from, you can just sit back and enjoy the feelings of love or hate, success or retribution. Music can transform your condition and take you above and beyond your world. I encourage everyone to listen to more music, you may just learn something about yourself.

Tumblr

I've begun to gravitate toward my Tumblr account since it's a little more high tech than Blogspot, but I guess it's time for me to trade off a bit, and do some nitty gritty blogging. (:
Let's set the scene; It's Sunday, August 8th. I'm sitting on our L shaped couch, tapping away on the keys to my Macbook, his name is Chuck, and texting on my iPhone, her name is Fiona 2.0. Not every day is this eventful, but I'm trying to contain my excitement, as I'm sure you can tell, I've gotten little packing done, and I have approximately three more full days of living in NYC before I have to jump on an 8am flight to Florida and never look back.
I keep getting a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach, which I'm sure is normal considering the circumstances... The other day, my mother reminded me of last summer when I was headed from Texas to NYC and how I wasn't even sure I could make it through Christmas break because I would "miss everyone too much", so much drama. Now, I'm looking from the other end of the spectrum. I've met so many great people, and am really getting down because of my decision to leave.
Apparently, a Sagittarius doesn't like to be tied down, they're always looking for a new adventure, and like to move from place to place at "a moments notice" to keep things fresh. That sounds like a bit of an exaggeration of my character, but I'd definitely say it's moderately applicable. I'm getting sad because I'm leaving my friends, but mostly because I'm leaving my sister. I never thought I'd genuinely be able to say that I would do anything for Annie; but after a year of being her roommate and friend, I can.
I've never been a very good sibling because of the age difference between my siblings and me, but this year, I've been forced to grow up and put on a serene front even if I'm kicking and screaming from the inside to get out. In all honesty, moving here scared the shit out of me. Not because I didn't know anyone, because that was obviously a hurdle, but because I'm always afraid people will go on with their lives and forget about me: Now I know it's normal to feel that, but also naive.
People will always move on with their lives, and if they want you to be a part of their lives, they'll make you part of it; But if I've learned one lesson that will stick with me, I'd say it's about growth. There's a huge difference between growing up and growing old. I can keep my Peter Pan disposition and you can keep your beer pong games, unwanted pregnancies and year-old drama; I'm better off without everyone who brought me down, and it took me a year of finding myself to figure that out.

The Road..

Some people live their lives making plans, always mapping out their next step, worried about the twists and turns of the road: Afraid to fail, these people live safely, never spontaneous, always cautious. I've never been cautious, I see a barricade and I plow right into it. I see a hurdle and I leap over it, never looking back. I've never thought of myself as someone who regretted decisions, because I've never made plans.
In May of 2009, I made the decision to move to New York City, because I had been terrible, and burned all bridges with friends back home. I made some new friends over the summer, and had started to build a really great circuit of people and activities that helped me forget how badly I had been in the wrong. When the opportunity to get away completely came, I never thought twice. I said to myself "Okay, time to go".
I don't believe in regretting anything, because even though Chris and Josh are both no longer with us, I've met so many great people along this journey this past year. I've met people that I can't imagine my life without. I can't imagine my life ten, twenty or thirty years from now without their words in my ear or their support holding me from collapsing.
Without the new people in my life, I wouldn't be as alive as I am now. I'm alive with pride, some prejudice and a lot of experience.
Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant.. And sadly, that's just the thing they do. If I hadn't left, there was always the chance I would fall into that pattern, no matter how different I was from the pack. If I hadn't been here, I'd be there. If I hadn't been doing this, I'd be doing that. If I wasn't feeling this alive.. How would I be feeling?

TGIF (almost)

It's the weekend, which means I work a lot. Doing a little dog sitting with friends this coming week, so that's good; something to get my mind off of what comes next. It's so weird when you realize how things go on without you. It'd be nice to think that once you leave a place, people spend the rest of their lives thinking 'How would my life be different if Bailey was still here'... Or things of the sort. It's kind of funny, actually, because that's never how it goes. People leave, their friends and families move on... That's just how life works. It's not fair, but is life ever really fair? I guess if I could say one thing, it would be that I'm so very sorry. It's only fair to move on, but it just doesn't feel right; I don't know if I'll ever be the same.

It's a new day..

I haven't been blogging as much as I'd like to say I should be; but I've been a little busy. Doing things I should be doing to further my life, but some things that aren't critical thrown about in the mix. Sort of like three steps forward, two steps back. These days seem to be flying by so quickly, it's so strange. It's already almost June of 2010; Almost a year of me living in New York, almost a year of Josh being gone. A year of firsts and lasts, but mostly firsts.
Nobody likes to grow up, especially not me, but being young forever is selfish and unrealistic. People die and leave their families devastated, I'd never wish that on anyone I dislike, because I know how thoroughly it tortures: I know how it tortures friends, acquaintances, and most of all families. I like to write down what I'm feeling, because I've been to the point where I can't explain why I feel how I do, but I don't really like to explain myself at all, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
I looked at pictures from Christopher's "birthday" today, and it really hit me: Death is so permanent. Whether people realize it or not, you put your life at risk every day. From walking home alone in the dark listening to your iPod, to driving drunk, risks are all around us and they're so hard to resist. Everybody makes mistakes, but when people don't learn from those mistakes, history is doomed to repeat itself.
I'm only twenty. My life is only getting started. I'm not ready to go yet, I've got so much life left to live, I just hope that the ones I love think that about themselves as well, that they understand what it's like to lose someone they love, and how to move on. Death is not the end; it's a new beginning, and while that person is gone, they're not lost. Love the life you live: Live the life you love.

Stubborn

I've always been a little bull-headed; I am never wanting to believe anything I said or did is wrong. But there comes a time in your life when you have to realize that no matter what happens, people are going to believe what they want. Whether it's truth or not, every single person has their own takes on a situation. And while that is not ideal, it's life. Losing friends or family members to death is easier than losing them to life. If you have someone pass away, that means that you no longer have the opportunity to connect with them; If you lose them to life, you have completely lost the right to be a part of their lives. I'd personally rather not have either happen to me, but I've had both. And while both are wholly unpleasant, I choose life. Because I'd rather lose someone that didn't care about me enough to themselves than to lose anyone that I even briefly cared about entirely.

Margaritas and Midgets...

So we hired a midget to hand out shots on Cinco de Mayo.. Just a little background knowledge on how AWKWARD AND STRANGE the place I work is. Today was just too difficult. I worked from 11am-12pm with a 25 minute break... The phrase 'HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?' has never been so true. Time for New Moon and then sleep. Jasper always calms my nerves... Ha.

I need some peace and quiet...

My thoughts exactly; Let's go back. Now.

Feelings

Some people do things to benefit themselves, others do it out of the kindness of their hearts. Which person am I? I think in most situations, the latter, but in some, the former. Recently, I had the opportunity to help out a friend, and further her career. Did I do it? Yes. Did I enjoy the feeling of her thanking me and being appreciative and telling me how much she "owed me"? No. It kind of gave me a sick, annoyed, bitter feeling. Like as she tells the story of how things unfolded for her, all I can think is how much I don't really care.
Okay, that sounds bad. I do care, or I wouldn't have recommended her. But I got the feeling of being replaced, and though I'm glad I had the chance to be selfless and help her, I don't like the taste it left in my mouth. I feel remorse, almost. It's disgusting. I always think that I wish I was more like Josh, helping people and not thinking of the ways it would change my life; but then I think that he's gone, and it's my life to live. And then I realize, if he was really gone... Would I have done the right thing in this situation? No. So I feel very blessed to have helped her; I wish her nothing but the best.

Sins of my Youth

There's a new song I'm obsessed. Or a band that I'm obsessed with. Neon Trees. They sing a song called Sins of my Youth, and it's really great.
Call me crazy, I was born to make a mess.
Would you love me still if I were to confess:
That I had a little too much fun...
Back when I was young.
Everyone has bad habits, most of them carry out into adulthood. I know that my biggest bad habit is containing myself. There are literally times when my family is thinking "Bailey, are you going to get excited about this?". Honestly, I've never really been an extrovert. I like to keep my feelings to myself, because they're the one part of my life I can control. Shit happens every day. People lie, people die, and the only thing you can keep sacred and safe is how you feel.
I know when I grow up I'll be better, because I'm growing up now, I can feel myself getting better every day. But I know that it's very hard to trust anyone but yourself with how you feel. It's never easy, because it's not meant to be. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Advice for my peers:

Your life is not supposed to go in reverse. There's a reason why the saying goes "First comes love, then comes marriage, and THEN COMES a baby in a baby carriage". It may just be a stupid saying we used in elementary school, but it exists for a reason, that's how relationships grow. You can't care for a baby until you have someone that loves you and can support you in your quest to take care of YOURSELF. Grow up a little, move out of Wimberley and learn something new. You might surprise yourself.

Something like that:

It's been almost a year since I had the worst thing in my life happen to me. I'll give you a quick run-down. It's early May, around finals time, and the setting is at a raging kegger on Sagewood. Not only am I there with my pseudo-best friends Emma, Stephanie and Nicole, but a variety of other people I haven't spoken to in a year. Nicole freaks out when she thinks I'm making a move on Newman, as preposterous as that is, since Newman is twelve feet tall and a complete oaf. Being as rowdy as boys are, things are broken, and of course, being the outcast of the moment, the blame is placed on me. Days later, I get phone calls from a blocked number saying I'm being 'served' (of course you can't be served over the phone), and that my DNA was found on the car (did they swab my mouth in my sleep?), and that I was required to pay the $1,000 to fix the broken property (they were surprised to find I'd done my homework and the damage was only $350). To say I cut off communication with those girls is an understatement. I haven't spoken to them since. That experience made me not trust people. It made me hate people.
I'm not sure why I can't stop thinking about you; The first person after the above experience that let me trust anyone. (I'm still uncomfortable talking about it), so I don't know why I keep thinking 'Oh, I wish I could go back' or 'Maybe it'll be better one day'. It's so funny to me that I'm still optimistic about a situation that will never get better, can never be better. We talk, and it's nice. I can still hear your voice and laugh in my head, it makes me happy to think that I'll have that memory forever. But it makes me sick to think that's all I have. Granted, we're young, we're great friends, but beyond that: You're too emotional for me. You told me your thoughts 24/7, and while it was nice to hear the things you liked about me, I was a little embarrassed.
Then our friend died, my brother got sick and you asked me if I'd considered anger management. The person I confided in so much asked me if I'd ever consider "getting help regarding my anger issues". Of course I have. I've also considered slamming a frying pan over someone's head, but I'd never do it. It's so hard to go back to the beginning of a relationship that is doomed to fail. It's almost impossible to take back thoughts, but it's eternally impossible to take back words and actions. Though I'd like to go back, I know I can't. Even though I know I'll never have the opportunity to mean more to you than a few months out of your life, I can't say the same about you.
I'll always cherish your memory, because you taught me the best lesson of all. "Time can make a feeling fade, like an old photograph, but the memory of a first love never fades away." It took you three months to say it, and it scared the living shit out of me, I think I knew the feeling was there all along, but I never wanted to take it there, because you can't take those three words back. I know that it's still fresh for me, because it takes time to move on, but it makes me feel disappointed that I wasted all of that trust on you. Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

Vintage Bailey: 11/5

"You know, it is scary. To be nineteen and waking up at 9am to head to my 11-11 job of 7am to head to my 9-5 paced job, but I think that's the point. To struggle from day to day. To doubt your motives and intentions in the location of today. And to be so fed up with everyone and everything that you just want out. That more than all the riches of the royal crown or the experiences the world has to offer, that you just want life to ease up for ten minutes so you can catch your breath. But you really can't always get what you want. People leave and the everyday fight to the finish line knocks you down, family doubts your maturity and shakes off words of wisdom as temporary insanity. My family is NO different. I tell them I want to live off campus with friends, they say "that's really not a good idea". I say "I think I'm ready to start school" and they stifle a laugh. But when the opportunity to move to New York City manifests itself in mothers' brain, it becomes Campbell Rule. Sure, I was all gung-ho about the move, but as soon as the new car smell faded, I was ready for a new skyline, one a little closer to home. No, I pay your rent and for your expenses, you'll stay until I think you're ready to go. Campbell Rule. You're only 19, how could you possibly know what you want to do when you grow up? Trust, me, you'll regret leaving this place 10 years from now. Campbell Rule. What happened to me living my own life? What happened to the idea of letting your kids fly the coop and landing flat on their backs, all in the name of experience? Why is it that when I want something, I'm always 'too young' to make the decision alone? The last time I checked, if I'm allowed to move 1000+ miles from home, in with my 25-year-old sister, work in a restaurant 5 days a week, drink/smoke/abuse every available outlet I can and still hang onto my dignity and independence, whey am I too young to make a decision about the furthering of my education? How does all of that 'experience' and 'freedom' carry any merit if I'm still seen as a child? Maybe it's some suppressed childhood dream and it's being vicariously fulfilled through me, or a lesson I've yet to learn... But in order to grow and mature, one has to be in control of their own destiny and future. If I wanted to live someone else's life, I wouldn't do it the way I'm being led to live mine. I'd start all over, and not let you bully me into thinking I can't handle myself. Maybe you're afraid of losing me to the inner battle that people my age fight. Maybe you're just selfish and you want me to do everything your way... But which ever option it is, I resent it."

Vintage Bailey: 10/27

"There are so many things that I physically cannot do. I can't ditch that sick, I'm going to get mugged, feeling. I can't seem to go to sleep before midnight, and I can't get him out of my brain. There are so many things I can do though, like face difficulties with a smile, or make decent money as a hostess. And it's because of you that I'm not afraid anymore. You brought me back from the dead. You saved me. Even though I can never honestly say I loved you, I can say I still care. I may have selfishly kept you at arms length because I thought I deserved better, but the truth is that you do. I never saw you. I just saw an opportunity to mend the broken pieces and I jumped on board. I may have screwed myself up so much more in the process though. When there's a void, there's an obvious need to fill it, and when it hit my system that he would never be back, I sort of shut down. I lost friends, I stopped trusting people and I stopped trusting myself. Even when I came to terms with him leaving, I still let you be my consolation prize. Like, love the one you're with, if you can't be with the one you love. Except I could never use the word without cringing, because I believe that when you find the person you're supposed to spend forever with, it'll come easy. I'm so sorry I was selfish and led you on. I'm so sorry for keeping you just in reach, and letting you slip through my fingers for no reason. But most of all, I'm sorry for having the guts to admit I was wrong to someone too self-absorbed to notice."

I get it

..it's valentines day (or it was). I get it, you're single. But grow up a little bit. Not everybody is as miserable in their own skin as you are. Not everybody is too afraid to be alone. Maybe, if you tried a little harder, you could see that. Maybe, if you stepped outside your comfort zone for fifteen minutes, you could understand.

Nylon!!

Started my internship today.. Had a good first day, learned a little about how the magazine functions in general and saw a bit of how public relations crosses over into journalism, which was great because I know a little about both! Don't go in again until Thursday, but I've got a little assignment to do, so no rest yet! I won't stop until I've taken over the world!! (;

Weekend time..

Another week has gone by, and luckily I'm still here. Not much has happened, just got my hair cut and colored red... A real stress because I'd gotten used to the length that it was, and now I'm second guessing my bangs. What an idiott. I've had a headache all day, so it's bedtime for me. More info in the life of me later..

Half of my heart

John Mayer said it best.. 'half of my hearts got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time'. You never forget. It never gets easier. You just get older and you learn new ways to cope with the pains of the losses. Eventually, you mend in ways you'd never imagine, but after so much time that would signify a true break. When you lose someone you love, it's so much more difficult to get over than someone you just care about. Love is the one emotion that never goes away, whether short or long time. It's always there... Eating away at you. For the rest of your life.

Interview..

..About to head into an interview. Not really nervous, more anxious about getting it finished successfully.Wish me luckkk

Three little words

You would think that the three words 'I love you' are more difficult to choke out than 'I miss you' or 'I need you', but that's not the case. I've found that when you need someone in your life the most, they've already begun moving on. And when you want someone to leave you alone is when you have a huge problem, and more often than not, a stalker. I wish I was better with vocals. It's so much more difficult to say those three words when you know the recipient doesn't feel the same way that you do. A bitter, bitter taste in your mouth.. But you get what you get, and you don't get upset.

It's only Tuesday?

These past four days have crawled by. Since I found out about Chris passing on Sunday evening, everything is so slow motion. Usually working takes me a while to adjust to, but this week it's been good working. Being back from visiting home for so long and being thrown right back into working has been great. I didn't think I could possibly enjoy a seven hour shift on a Monday than I did last night. But let's not jinx it and just take 2010 one day at a time.

Purest at heart

It's so frustrating to think about how it's been the purest of heart that have been taken from the lives of myself and my friends this past year. There must be some underlying message that I'm missing, but it's just so infuriating. I work in a few hours and have yet to decide whether to wear makeup or not yet. I hate the feeling of knowing you're about to cry when you're wearing nonwaterproof makeup. Ughh. This day isn't going well already. 2010 sure welcomed itself with a bang.

Death

Why does it feel like everything bad happens to me while I'm over a thousand miles away from home? In 2008, there was Red. In 2009, there were Josh and family problems. And already in 2010, Chris. I just find it so hard to cope with and 'grin and bear'. Death is the one thing I physically cannot handle. It's my catch 22.

Baby blue.

The song 'My Baby Blue' by Dave Matthews Band never fails to get to me. It reminds me a bit of Josh, mostly the part that says "I will forever, cause you'll forever be. My one true broken heart, pieces inside of me and you forever..." it's just such a moving ballad. It's beautiful, and is a huge reason why I love DMB so much lately. They just get what it's like to lose a loved one and never be fully right again. Is anyone ever better?

IPhone blogging..

I resolved to blog more this year, and this genius app will aide me in doing just that. (: So far, this has been a difficult year. Ericka lost her best friend yesterday and I found out earlier tonight that Chris is in a coma. The saying about bad things happening in threes really hits me right now. Granted, there's only one for me so far, but 2009 had such great casualties for myself and my family that I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle going through something like that again.
I still haven't unpacked my suitcase. I literally am living out of my large Samsonite and small carry-on suitcases. I've been home since WEDNESDAY and have yet to light a fire under my own ass. I guess it's all this working and drama. Maybe it's finally getting to me. Who knows.. Maybe 2010 will be the year that I learn to show emotion and drive myself. But like I said, who knows. Plus, it's only January! Give a girl some credit! (;

Tuesday January 5th:

Last full day in Texas before I head back to the City.... So weird being home, but it's gonna be so hard to leave. Finally on good terms with all of the people that matter the most to me, and now I have to leave again. As Lady Antebellum puts it best: "Couldn't wait to get going, but wasn't quite ready to leave" SO TRUE!! Oh well, Texas- It's been nice, I'll miss you. NYC- WATCH OUT, I'm almost backkkkk

HELLO 2010!

I've never been one to make and keep my "Resolutions", but I feel like 2010 is the year to (try and) start.

1. Live life like today is my last day. No regrets, and no intentional fuck ups.

2. Deny myself of one thing that I want every day.

Whether it's a coke, chocolate or a conversation with someone that hurts me.

3. Do one thing every day that my 2009 self wouldn't have.

4. Drink no coffee, regular sodas and cheap champagne (unless a special occasion).

5. Blog more.

6. Smile more, and cherish the relationships in my life that matter the most to me.

7. Keep in touch with family.

8. Be brunette for an entire year.

9. Listen to music. All the time.

10. Sit for at least 30 minutes a day and just think, without speaking.

11. Get a non-human companion, and keep one.

And last, 12. Never complain about something that makes me smile.